Relationships
What did you do in 2008?
Apart from getting married, and, going to Brazil (twice) for the first time, and Oh yeah...becoming American...oh I went back to France too...when was it? March? April?
See...all the major events starting to kicking in back into your memory? But what about smaller events, that you truly liked...like this amazing movie we went to see at this theatre...what was its name again?...and the discovery of the Harbin Springs where we met with Shanti, and oh...this play from the kids in San Francisco, directed by Asher, the Jewish/Native Indian Shaman...And what about these awesome new friends we made, Ursula and Todd, Sana, Abbas, Merav, Lisa, Johnny and Colin ...wait...was it this year or the year before?
All of a sudden, other memories jump in and it's not the 3 or 4 major events but the hundreds events that occured during 2008 to fill your life with joy and surprises...
Now it's time to count your 2008 Blessings!
Take a piece of paper or open a Word Document.
Put down the 12 months of last year
For each event that comes randomly into your mind, put it in the month during when it happened. If you're not too sure, then write it down in the margin with a circa era "this summer", "March or April" and move on to your next memory. Do not prioritize. Some "minor" events will show up, like "dinner with Such and Such" that you think you will never be able to date. Write them all down.
The more you write, the more you remember. You can set up a time limit to the exercise, because you will soon realize how many things you did, this past year!
Once you think you have come to an end, it's time to date the events you don't have a month for: check back your emails, calendars, and pictures. Ask people who attended the same event. This is the moment where all those memories will come back fresh and vivid: you will go back to one year of a really rich life. Yours!
Once you're done, don't forget to notify your friends and family about it: "Remember that time in 2008, when we...?" It will bring them wonderful memories back, as well...
If you're a couple or a family with kids, do it all together! It'll be even more fun!
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My Alernative Love/Lifestyle
Way back in the 1970’s when people were trying all kind of alternatives to the so-called monogamous couple model, the famous “free love” of the sixties, there were a lot of emotional injuries and pain for many folks who tried to “have it all” – the stability and security of a mate/partner AND the freedom and excitement of tasting more of the sensual delights the world has to offer. It turns out that it’s way harder than you might think. Imagining oneself loving more than one person deeply and authentically is usually much easier than imagining sharing someone you love deeply with someone else. The deep-rooted insecurity and jealousy that come with the human condition often cannot be overcome.
Well, in the late ‘70’s, I was truly into experiencing as much as possible of what life had to offer, being a seven on the enneagram AND an Aquarius – it suited me just fine. Every new relationship/encounter was an adventure. And after I met Bobby (sweetie – see above), and although we just knew we’d be together forever, neither one of us was ready to be monogamous. Three years after we met and “hooked up”, we were both having adventures with other people, some who were very important, but who couldn’t handle the non-monogamous, sharing part. So it was sad for me that Roger had to go away because he wasn’t capable of doing it.
About that time Bobby met Jillian, and after some time, he realized he wanted to be with her forever too, and that he saw me and her as being equals in his love, life, and commitment. Arg. I felt scared for a few weeks, that the solid, loving, supportive (dare I say “perfect”?) thing we had together would change. But it didn’t, so I was fine with not being The Queen Bee of his life anymore. I still had him, and the profound connection and commitment we had before. One example I’ve heard that makes sense to me is that we love our children deeply and completely, and we don’t have to choose which one we love the most. For some of us, it can work that way with sweeties, too.
Jillian, on the other hand, has said she mostly went along with it in the beginning because she believed that if she was good enough, I’d eventually go away, and she’d “win”. We laugh about that now.
After about 8 years, Bobby decided he wanted us all to live together, and we both wanted that, too, so for the past 19 years, we’ve lived together, 98% of the time it’s been harmonious and glorious and fun. Jillian and I are very different and the issues that would come up, curiously, were much more about the kitchen than about sharing Bobby. We designed and built (with architect and contractor of course) a unique house that suits us, with three large bedrooms with bathrooms and decks, so we can have our alone time, privacy etc. AND lots of shared space, too. Best of both worlds. Living alone suited me in many ways, too, and I didn’t have to give up my stubborn independence.
I also have Steve, my pal and wonderful “boyfriend”, for lack of a better word for us 50- and 60-somethings (or 70-something in Bobby’s case). I see him once a week, we have a date, movie, dinner, whatever. He sleeps over and the next morning we all have coffee and read the paper together. Happy Family stuff.
I am the luckiest person in the world. This kind of life is not for everyone, but if the “normal” model doesn’t work for you, I encourage you to try to make your life look any way that works for YOU. With complete honesty and a lot of courage, sometimes it works. A great sense of humor can’t hurt either.
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Be Yourself at Your Wedding
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Relationships
It all starts with yourself and your own relationship with “I Is”, as the great master Anthony De Mallo said in one of his lectures.
Think about yourself as someone else and now try to establish any kind of relationship with IS, not with ME. Can you do that? If you can, and it works, great! You are there--and you should not have any problem connecting to other people and havimg a complete and happy social or love life.Most of us though, and I am saying most of us, because it IS most of us, do not really know ourselves. We know what we like and what we don't, or how we react to this temptation or that interference in our life, but we do not see our image, nor our existence in this world from above. Rather, we live some kind of life that is being dragged behind our entity like a shadow in the best case. Or like a sack of potatoes in the worst case.
As we are aware of what these “potatoes” mean to us (usually early age traumas), we tend to develop big, strong muscles in order to carry them. Isn't it funny? I found myself, in my previous life, pushing up the hill a whole truck packed with potatos, watermelons, tomatoes, baby food cans, military beef conservation cans and much more “stuff” I'll describe another time. And guess what? I became an emotional weight-lifter who looks very good from the outside, but was very sad, weak, and had many broken relationships--including with myself--on the inside.
Now picture yourself again, with this sack dragging behind you--and just stay there. Look, observe, stare, but do not react to it yet. Now, take this vision you have and look around at the people that surround you. Did you notice that what you saw in your own vision is exactly the way people perceive you?
It doesn't matter what you are trying to show outside; it is the inner you that people see; or I would say: it is the inner you that people feel and this is exactly how they will behave with you.
So, if you see yourself as one who, for example, cannot complete a task or a mission, no one will grant you the privilege to do anything for them, even if your resume is the most amazing resume for a specific job. It is enough to take one look or a swift hand shake to tell everything about who you are on the inside.
If you were asking yourself why you cannot get a girlfriend who would love and and cherish every word you say, or will look you in the eyes and say "I love you"--if you ask yourself, Why I am 45 years old and not married yet after I've dated so many men?--the answer lies just here. It's because you're not ready! (Or you do not really want to be in this kind of relationship).
If you do wish to have it and it doesn't come, I'm sorry to tell you--it is not the world, nor the people around, but you! Think about it, there are so many people on planet earth, literally everywhere you go or surf (if we are discussing contemporary channels of communication). How come you cannot find ONE person to share the greatness of life with? Nothing, but nothing will work right with others unless you are complete with who you ARE. And please don't tell me “I guess I am too picky...”.
Some people find it very easy to look at themselves from above or from the side. Some people have difficulties doing that, and it is OK. Who said that everything has to come easily? There are some people who further say that nothing good comes easily. I personally do not agree with that as a general saying, but there's lots of truth in it.
If you ask me: What is the best way to get to this relationship that we all yearn for so much? I will just tell you: OPEN UP!
After you've observed yourself enough and accepted the fact that the potato sack is really yours and you actually CAN love it, the potatos themselves--in the most natural way--will sprout, and will be your emotional and mental food (unless you can eat shadows; then they will nourish your body too).
Once you've discovered that your heavy load is nothing but fuel for your existence (and organic) THEN, you are ready for a real relationship.
As a therapist, healer, helper, channel, philosopher and beyond just a simple user of life, I've found many people to be out of touch with their own selves, as if they were hanging the phone up on themselves every time something negative strikes their path. While it keeps happening this way for them, they will keep on living this life of in-between their bodies and their shadows.
All of this is because they did not have the courage to stand up in front of themselves and say: “I am so beautiful”, “I am so successful”, “I am in love with me”, “I have so many good qualities” and so forth.
OPEN UP means to be able to express yourself without fearing, without calculating how many people in the audience are going to laugh or to screen you like an X-ray machine. To open up means to be able to put your deepest emotions on the table and say, “This is me and these are my feelings” or simply to say, “I hate what you do to me,” “I love you without thinking why, and I don't care what you say.”
“Um... what if I say I' love you,' then he will think that I love him and so he will get away from me because that's what happens, usually, when I say that.” Well... this is what I was saying before, most of the people are not in a place of even being able to accept love from others because they do not love themselves, and why? Because someone told them that their boobs are too small or they are too hairy (not the boobs, or maybe yes...?) or their laugh is too loud.
Imagine that, this girl I know,didn't laugh for 20 years because when she was a small child someone told her--actually, it was a group of kids that told her (heartlessness)--that her laugh sounds like a moaning cow. 20 years! She had a well packed sack tied up strong to her daily existence. And what do you think, that when this girl is laughing today she doesn't sound like a moaning cow? She does! And it's extremely funny and SHE is laughing at it and makes everyone laugh. How come? Because she found that her laugh is a sweet potato that nourishes her being, that this is her greatness in a way. After all, you do not find people laughing like this every day, and to be honest, it's pretty much contagious.
So, as I always say, and many other people have said before, you have 2 main options to choose from with every single crossroad you reach, including of course relationships: either to find the positive outcome of what happened or what will happen; and be happy and jolly about it, or to get upset, depressed, angry or any other form of unpleasant reaction. It is pretty much straightforward: The first one will give you more years to live and the second one will simply shorten your life.
And if this is not enough for you to move yourself towards aiming your life toward more happiness, just think about the fact that you have legs, hands and you can walk and talk. This should definitely make you feel good. Stop for a minute close your eyes and breathe. WOW! That is awesome, no?
“I had the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet.”~ Ancient Persian saying
Thank you for reading, I love you and I wish you lots of sustainable happiness for the rest of your life.
Yours,Aviad Sar-Shalom Giat
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